I am going to take a blogging break. I’m feeling very overwhelmed by responsibilities right now and there are certain things that just won’t budge so I have to trim where I can. It’s unfortunate that the things I really enjoy doing are going to get the proverbial axe, at least for a while.
I’ve been working 80 hour work weeks and there is no one to pick up the slack elsewhere in my life – Caring for my father has become more of my responsibility lately – a joyous responsibility but when I’m down with him I feel like I’m neglecting my home and spouse – and when I’m home I feel like I’m neglecting my father. There is a scene in the movie Holiday where Kate Winslet’s character is helping her elderly neighbor back to his house after he has gotten lost on a walk – she notices that his housekeeper has left him a dinner tray in the living room with a cold sandwich on it for his dinner. That scene absolutely breaks my heart every time I see it.
So I can’t see that part of my life budging.
My week is spent racing down to the Bay Area on Sunday, getting up at 4:00am to log into work on Monday – scrambling to go to the store in the late afternoon so I can get dinner on the table, rinse and repeat on Tuesday and Wednesday – race home Wednesday after dinner, after making sure the fridge is stocked and then most weekends spent logged into work while the person I married, who kind of anticipated that after being alone for half the week, would get some of my attention.
I can’t see that part of my life budging either.
Work is not going to let up until October – my coworkers are just as overworked as I am so there won’t be any relief. The thought of it makes me want to lay my head down and just weep. However I have bills to pay, health insurance to keep up, four-oh-wunks to contribute to.
So no budging there either.
I had a very telling dream the other night. I dreamt I was responsible for two tiny infants. I was inside the house and wanted to go out to the backyard where a pool-side party was taking place. I cracked open the sliding glass door and one of the babies scooted out faster than you can imagine and fell right into the pool. I was wearing a long cashmere sweater and jeans and I jumped into the pool after the baby. Because of what I was wearing the water was dragging me under and I couldn’t find that baby – I kept swimming underwater which was full of debris and underwater plants. Every time I surfaced I would yell for help or for someone to call 911 and everyone would just smile at me and tell me I was doing a great job – keep it up. And then they would turn back and rejoin their conversations. I’m feeling like that’s my life right now.
I realize that how I live my life is absolutely my choice. And I could say – you know – this part needs to take a back seat for a while. But which part? And when two of those areas begin demanding more of my time – what is a person to do? Something has to give and right now it’s the fun bits. The blogging, the crafting, the planning and shopping for dinners with loved ones. That has to take a back seat for a while because it’s the only piece of my life at the moment that has any give.
I will be back and hopefully will be full of enthusiasm about the changing season, decorating for Halloween, lighting the first Autumn fire – and hopefully you all will come back when I do.
The picture above? It’s my talisman. Someday my life WILL be picket fences, porch swings and lazy days watching the hollyhocks grow.