Foggy morning

I woke up this morning – for the second time – and it was foggy out.  Quite like how my brain feels, this second awakening.  I have a little ritual, if you will, where every Sunday night I go to bed a fairly happy, content person and then I wake up at 2:00am riddled with angst and worry about the upcoming work week.  Some times I just toss and turn for a couple of hours then finally go back to sleep about an hour before I have to really be up.  Or I’ll get up and log into work and face the demon.  Last night I put a pair of headphones on and listened to Haven Kimmel tell me her life’s story  rather than the nagging, uneasy voice in my own head.

I am feeling at crossroads with my career.  I have a job that pays well (and who’s pay I rely on quite a bit), a boss I love, tolerable coworkers and an office situation that can’t be beat (working from home, or where I can get an Internet connection essentially) yet I’m coming to despise my job. 

I am part of my problem.  I have this ability to put things off until the last minute then pull them off spectacularly and to lots of accolades (no one the wiser for the procrastination).  Yet each project I’m on I fear this is the one that I CAN’T pull off, the one that does me in.   I also can’t say know no when I’m asked to help out on smaller projects  and instead of looking frankly at my workload and adamantly shaking my head no I agree and push my own projects off a little bit further.

Then there are the usual office politics and shenanigans – impossible deadlines, unreasonable expectations, not enough funding, miserable soul sucking clients. 

I keep meaning to sit down and sort this out.  Figure out what I really want to be doing and how to pull it off.  But I can’t shut up the clamoring that is going on in my brain, the ever present low level anxiety that is always there, long enough to come up with a plan.  I keep thinking that next month when things are calmer I’ll get to that item on my to do list. 

What I need is a month off.  Just a quiet month where I can reflect and plan and come to peace with whatever I come up with.  Or I could just win the lottery and take the rest of my life off.  That works for me too.

Now I have the immediate concern of soggy socks.  That’s what happens when you go outside first thing in the morning in your stocking feet to take a picture of the foggy street.